Sacred Sunday: Self-Love or Selfishness?
Discussing the boundaries between authentic self-love and ego-driven selfish acts.
“…our society has been manipulated into prevalent feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness and shame to the point where we actually feel guilt for doing anything loving or empowering for ourselves because that has become labeled as “selfish”. This mischaracterization has bred a society that doesn’t love or appreciate themselves and have therefore become disconnected and have lost their sense of (true) self.” Medium.com
It’s the last day of love week and even though Valentine’s Day has passed, I’ve felt a surge in energy and self-love these past couple of days. It’s very cliche to hear people promote self-love during this holiday when you’re single or just not in the lovey-dovey mood but I feel like there are so many intricacies to self-love that no one explains. Learning to love oneself can be challenging for those who have experienced mental illness, toxic relationships, childhood trauma, or other traumatizing events. It can be easy to fluctuate between the extremes of self-love and selfishness when you first start your journey if you don’t know the boundaries to respect in between.
SELF-LOVE
Psychology Today defines self-love as “a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support one's physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.”According to the BetterUp website, self-love is a skill you develop by having a positive regard for yourself; where “you understand your own value and treat yourself in a loving way.”
Sometimes it’s hard to grasp and develop the concept of self-love when you haven’t figured out who you are. A common reason for this, I would say, is the act of people-pleasing. Being a people pleaser is not a conscious decision, but rather a habit developed gradually due to a lack of personal boundaries and identity. It’s often associated with codependent tendencies and unhealthy attachment styles, where we seek validation and acceptance from others because we are unable to provide it for ourselves.
10 signs of a lack of self-love
Since a healthy amount of self-love has such beneficial qualities, you can probably guess that a lack of self-love can be detrimental. Here are some potential signs of low self-love:
Perfectionism and fear of failure
Avoidance of self-care and neglect of personal needs
Tolerating toxic or abusive relationships
Difficulty saying "no" and over-committing
Comparing oneself unfavorably to others
Negative self-talk and constant self-criticism
Difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
Seeking external validation and approval excessively
Engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors
Chronic feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem
Source: BetterUp
You cannot develop self-love without first knowing who you are. Who is standing in front of the mirror? What defines you outside of your relations to others? The truth is you probably don’t like every single person you meet, so why change yourself for someone else’s satisfaction? Especially when that means losing sight of who you are, what you feel, and what you want.
Here Are a Few Methods I Used to Build Self-Love:
Solo dates, exploring new hobbies, and increasing time spent alone: Get comfortable being alone with yourself. Learn your interests, your tastes, and what makes you happy. You don’t need other people for entertainment, to permit you to like something or to tell you who you are. The better you know your authentic self, the stronger your boundaries and standards can develop.
Building self-care routines: Loving myself means wanting better for myself and knowing that I’m deserving of good care. I try to stay active, get enough rest and hydration, maintaing a good skin-care regimen, and practice relaxation techniques to stay physically, mentally, and emotionally fit. Currently, I’m battling picky eating habits and trying to diversify my diet as well.
Prioritizing positive self-talk: I like to cultivate self-love by leading with compassion and redirecting any negative self-talk in thought or speech to more positive language. Give yourself the kindness and empathy you want from others and realize you’re human, mistakes will be made and things take time. This is critical for building resiliency when facing moments of adversity and doubt. Allaya Cooks-Campbell with BetterUp says, “By consciously choosing uplifting and empowering language, you can reshape your internal dialogue and foster a more positive self-image.”
Listening to my body: I’ve learned to use my anxiety as a guide for my boundaries because our guts are our second brains. When I’m in stressful situations or even around people I’m uncomfortable with, my stomach issues immediately start, I lose my appetite, and sometimes it’ll even trigger a migraine causing nausea and vomiting.“…a person's stomach or intestinal distress can be the cause or the product of anxiety, stress, or depression. That's because the brain and the gastrointestinal (GI) system are intimately connected”, said Harvard Health Publishing in July of 2023. Finding ways to protect your mental peace is an act of self-love and defense.
Meditation, journaling, and reflection of the past: You don't slide out of the womb, immediately loathing, doubting, and critiquing yourself. These perspectives are developed over time through your experiences and interactions, and it’s important to figure out where they come from. Why do you think the way you do about yourself? Where do your beliefs and opinions come from? Are you comfortable being authentically yourself with people? You might become aware of environments or people to avoid and further ways to protect and build your self-love and identity.
Sharon Martin, LCSW with PsychCentral said the following are some examples of what self-love can look like in action:
Forgiving yourself when you mess up
Meeting your own needs
Being assertive
Not letting others take advantage of or abuse you
Prioritizing your health and wellbeing
Spending time around people who support you and build you up (and avoiding people who dont)
Asking for help
Letting go of grudges or anger that holds you back
Recognizing your strengths
Valuing your feelings
Living in accordance with your values
Pursuing your interests and goals
Challenging yourself
Holding yourself accountable
Accepting your imperfections
Noticing your progress and effort
SELFISHNESS
Selfishness is a common human flaw we are all capable of, but it holds such a negative reputation.
self·ish
/ˈselfiSH/
adjective
Oxford Languages
Everyone has selfish tendencies and can easily mistake prioritizing yourself for being selfish or vice versa. There’s a balance of selfishness we all need in our lives to survive and continue to grow. But when do we start taking away from others when we’re trying to care for ourselves?
Self-love implies considering yourself as valuable as others. No more, no less.
Self — love doesn’t make you proud, boastful, or envious.. instead it makes you patient, more understanding of others…and overall a better person.
But what about being called selfish when you’re simply taking your own needs into account? This often happens when people are starting to do self-improvement work and it can be confusing to navigate.
Learning to love yourself means taking into account your feelings more than you ever have before. That means tweaking your priorities and changing behaviors that once were convenient for and benefitted others. Naturally, people won’t see that as a win for you but a loss for them.
You want to be fair but remember that self-care might mean letting others down sometimes. This is easily the hardest concept for me to accept and I catch myself backtracking often because I used to correlate letting others down with my decisions being wrong. But everyone is not going to understand me and the decisions I make, I just have to recognize that not respecting them is a sign of manipulation or wanting control over me or the situation.
Here is something to consider:
Loving yourself doesn’t make you selfish.
Those who are trying to convince you otherwise might have their own selfish hidden agenda.
It is your job to make the distinction between self-loving and selfish behavior, which is probably the most difficult part
The Medium
Things to Consider:
It’s easy to internalize a person’s opinion of you as truth but keep in mind that half the time people are only deflecting their own insecurities onto you. Wanting to heal and develop stronger boundaries does not give us the excuse to completely disregard others, which is why it’s important to keep the flow of communication going as your boundaries strengthen and evolve. The qualities you show in a singular moment do not define your overall character. The self-love journey takes an adjustment period, and it's important to just give yourself and others around you grace as you readjust your self-identity and respect.
Listen to coach, author, and creator Isaiah Frizzelle’s advice on giving grace below. I find it applicable to situations where you’re giving grace to both yourself and others.
“You can’t always extend grace to the ungrateful…”
