Sacred Sunday: From Self-Discovery to Self-Love
A Journey from Lost to Found
Not too long ago was it that I woke up anxious every day, emotionally breaking down over slight inconveniences, experiencing frequent panic attacks, and struggling with the lowest levels of confidence and self-love.
For so long it felt as if I was chasing after happiness and comfort; disappointed in the trajectory of my life. I grew up having a clear plan for how I wanted it to go; in and out of college in 4 years, move out of my parent’s house, get engaged, get married, have kids, and live comfortably as a teacher. Simple right?
It’s gone nothing like that.
Instead, I became incredibly anxious and depressed, struggled with my relationships, moved back in with my family, and eventually dropped out of school. My life went in a drastically different direction, and I refused to accept it. I spent the following years trying to correct my life’s course instead of taking the time to identify my own unique path.
Eventually, I grew weary of trying to force pieces together that didn’t fit. I broke through my wall of shame, rediscovered my true self, and learned to appreciate all that my life had to offer, leading me to where I am today.
I realize now that I struggled for so long because I didn’t know, nor was comfortable with who I was.
I've always been naturally aloof, silly, goofy, and “weird”; while I appreciate these aspects of my personality now, I didn't always. Valuing others' opinions over my own led me to prioritize perspectives that were harmful to my identity and confidence. The work required to heal included working with my inner child; mainly rewriting these perspectives of myself.
Anytime I spent a little too much time alone, I quickly sought after companions to ease my discomfort and fill my days with fun. I mimicked the lifestyles of my friends to feel accepted and dated incessantly to receive the validation I couldn't provide myself.
No surprise I became a people-pleaser.
I’m forever thankful to have such a supportive family, one that has allowed me the space and time to grow and discover my identity. With their help I now confidently follow my own unique path, passions, schedule, and values. We are not made to be copies of each other, nor should we try to assimilate ourselves as such.
Nothing is wrong with being a little different, it’s what makes you unique.
Never Dim Your Light
Sometimes people will recognize a genuine heart and soul and want you to withhold it; deflecting their issues onto you, and causing experiences of doubt, jealousy, and anxiety. That’s the mind game. It can be hard to believe in your influence and power if you were made to doubt them.
I didn’t recognize much of my worth before; I didn’t have a bunch of money, couldn’t go on lavish vacations and buy the most expensive clothes, at times I didn’t even like the way I looked, and felt emotionally drained… what was there to be jealous of?
Now I understand that it’s my energy… I AM magnetizing and I attract people simply by being authentic.
As I embraced the aspects of myself I once deemed flaws and discovered who I was outside of my interactions with others, my anxiety, isolation, and melancholy faded away. I leaned into hobbies I enjoy with a passion, embraced taking my time, and followed my own path, however that looked. Now, I exude vibrancy, warmth, and approachability. When I enter a room, I feel the gaze of others, which once unsettled me, but I've come to realize it's because of the aura I radiate.
To truly feel loved, heard, and seen for everything you are, you must choose to show up authentically as yourself.
Finding myself again has truly done wonders for my perspective and mental health.
People who mistreat and mishandle me have been replaced with more genuine love and support. The anxiety and doubt I faced have been replaced with gratitude and confidence. Even when I feel lost or confused, I’m comfortable with who I am and hopeful about where I’m going.
I’m deeply thankful to be where I am today because I doubted that I’d ever feel this way again. Happiness was never that far out of reach, and I’m grateful to have woken up to see that it was within me this whole time, I just had to look for it.
Every day I will continue to make young Jordan proud to be herself💛
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