Sacred Sunday: Accountability
Is it always your fault or is it never?
Back at it again with another Sacred Sunday!💌
Today’s topic, I believe, is one of the most important facets of the conversation surrounding growth and healing. And that is…
Accountability.
It’s a word that might seem off-putting to some but is *hugely* desired, required, and quite frankly needed by many.
Accountability has been a recurrent theme in many of my recent conversations with friends, family, and even strangers. Discussions about how we or others lack it in relationships, work, and even our daily habits.
We all struggle with it, including myself. But to acquire the change in our lives we might yearn for, we must maintain a certain amount of responsibility and accountability.
The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without running away
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more
Accountability
ac·count·a·bil·i·ty
noun
the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.
"their lack of accountability has corroded public respect"
Accountable
ac·count·a·ble
adjective
(of a person, organization, or institution) required or expected to justify actions or decisions; responsible.
The Spectrum
I often find myself navigating the spectrum of accountability. While I commend my self-awareness, I’ve realized that I also used my personal struggles as an excuse to evade responsibility for my actions and gain control over my life.
I was strongly attached to a victim mentality; neglecting self-care, therapy, and healthy boundaries, only to drown in my depression, anxiety, and strained relationships. I failed to recognize the state I was keeping myself in. Because if you don’t put in the work, you can’t expect things to change.
Conversely, I sometimes shouldered an unnecessary amount of responsibility, guilt, and shame for matters beyond my control or not mine to resolve. I now know this anxiety is tied to people-pleasing tendencies and fear of abandonment.
Foundational Fears
In therapy, I realized many of my unhealthy habits originated early in life. I'd feel anxious and fearful about disappointing my parents or angering them, witnessing power struggles in a tumultuous marriage and dysfunctional romantic relationships and family dynamics. This exposed me to traits like narcissism, gaslighting, and the importance of boundaries.
From a young age, I started witnessing traits and practices such as narcissism, gaslighting, and victimization. I grasped the blurred line between self-care and selfishness, the consequences of holding grudges instead of showing compassion, and how to show up for the people you love in meaningful ways rather than ways that are solely convenient for you.
These insights mirror the spectrum of accountability. Getting older does not equate to becoming wiser when you lack the internal work and external effort. Sometimes we cling to our excuses, blame, and judgment instead of extending grace.
I thought the problems I saw were common for most families like mine. It wasn't until I humanized my family, recognizing their flaws, that I began to introspect. This shift allowed me to acknowledge my own shortcomings and their origins, prompting my journey toward personal growth.
Accountability in Relationships and Daily Life
My mental health heavily influenced my relationship with accountability, impacting my daily choices and important relationships.
Labeled an over-apologizer, I'd habitually reach out to apologize for past mistakes, driven by self-perceived burdensomeness and a fear of upsetting others
Fueled by anxiety and a need to fix problems, I often assumed a caretaker role with my sister, mirroring my mother's behavior with me. I'd act as a therapist for friends and family, overwhelmed by problems that were not my own. I even went out of my way to treat those who spoke ill of me or mistreated me with kindness, making excuses for their actions but I felt as if I deserved it.
Blaming myself for everything, I lacked healthy boundaries, but I also found ways to blame the rest of the world as well.
My inability to communicate openly led to feelings of being misunderstood and mistreated. Without prioritizing self-care or setting boundaries, I repeatedly attracted unhealthy partners and felt unfairly treated. Isolation became a coping mechanism, masking the avoidance of the necessary growth and self-work amidst my depression.
Taking accountability was the key to pulling myself out of dark mental spaces. I couldn't keep blaming others or making excuses for my choices while continuing to live the same life I dreaded living. I adopted an active lifestyle, balanced my diet, set boundaries, and focused on finding my identity and faith. By putting out the energy and effort I wanted to receive from others, I shifted my focus from problems to consistent solutions. I discovered that the energy I put out determined what energy I attracted back into my life. Everything is connected.
Nobody is perfect; we make mistakes and sometimes fail to see how our actions impact others and ourselves. But isn’t an excuse to enable or perpetuate harmful behavior. It’s crucial to acknowledge our faults and grow from them.
Remember that breaking repetitive cycles of shame and guilt demands more than just admitting fault though; it requires actively changing our thoughts, patterns, and behavior so that we may experience different results than before.
