Sacred Sunday: The Language of Love
The language we use to navigate modern-day love and relationships
Skip to: Stages of Dating | Types of Intimacy | Attachment Styles | Love Languages
A little while back I was talking with a friend about love, and how complicated it can be between two human beings moving through life at different speeds and with different desires. It inspired me to discuss the language we use surrounding relationships and also how we pursue them. We all might view these terms differently so I’d love to hear if y’all agree or disagree, and if you pick up any new vocabulary that can apply to your life and relationships <3
The Stages of Dating
One term I’m tired of using, but is unfortunately here to stay, is talking. I feel like there are clear steps to the process of dating and if we want to include another stage of talking, then I believe it would go like this:
Talking
Dating
Define the Relationship (DTR) or become mutually exclusive
Continuation: engagement, kids, marriage, however you choose…
Talking, as I understand it, is getting to know someone solely through conversation via in-person, text/chat, calls, or video. I view dating the same way, but adding actively going out and spending time with the person you’re getting to know. Dating is a practice that helps you explore your interests, turn-offs, boundaries, and views of love with another person.
I don’t believe there should be a specific price tag on a date, number of partners you should limit yourself to dating, or pace everyone should be moving at; it’s all up to your comfort and discretion. The effort you put into showing someone your interest is what matters most and a compatible partner will be comfortable within your set boundaries and limits.
Choosing long-term exclusivity is the step most people struggle with or even fear. For some, it only takes days, weeks, or a few months, to know if they’re ready for commitment. It doesn’t require you to be deeply in love, ready for marriage, or know your partner or yourself 100% (because we never stop growing or changing); you just have to be intentional and ready to choose the hard work that comes with building and maintaining a loving, committed relationship. After that, life takes the course and you explore it together as a couple!
Could It Be Love?
According to Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, there are 3 tenets to romantic love: intimacy, passion, and commitment. A relationship built upon one element is seemingly weaker than a relationship built on two or more. 8 different kinds of love can be generated by a combination of these three tenets.
Source: Simply Psychology
The biggest key to success in relationships is open communication and vulnerability. In moments of uncertainty, and before taking serious action with a partner, you’ll want to know their values, hobbies, what boundaries to respect, their expectations of the relationship, and how they want to live life. Determining compatibility early on avoids the confusion of moving at different paces and wanting different things.
The 5 Types of Intimacy
Open communication and vulnerability are critical to developing any type of relationship because they’re the tools for building intimacy or closeness. Relationships that last are more than fun, exciting, and sexy; there’s also depth and trust. The truest and most raw aspect of all relationships is revealing the parts of yourself that aren’t ideal; your bonds are strengthened by allowing a person to see your true self, with all your insecurities and flaws bare.
Sometimes fear keeps us from being vulnerable; fear of being judged, embarrassed, or rejected. Being vulnerable can be difficult because it means leaving ourselves unprotected, going against our innate instincts. It can be terrifying, yet rewarding when it means building intimacy within our relationships. There are many opportunities for you to show vulnerability, just as there are 5 different types of intimacy that you can build with your loved ones:
Emotional Intimacy: Feeling safe expressing your feelings, thoughts, or beliefs. You can openly discuss hopes for the future or difficult topics, such as fears, past trauma, or relationship issues. Ways to build this include:
Minimize distractions when speaking (silence electronics)Â
Actively listen (listen with the intent to understand, not reply)
Try not to judge or be overly critical
Provide validation and reassurance
Physical Intimacy: Involves touch and includes hugging, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and intercourse. While sex is one type of physical intimacy, there are many nonsexual examples of physical intimacy, including:
Children laying their heads on their parent's shoulderÂ
A mom looping her arm through her son's as they walkÂ
Best friends nudging each other as a sign they are being silly
Hugging before leaving home for the day, or upon returning home
Spouses touching their heads as they cope with unexpected news
Intellectual Intimacy: Involves sharing knowledge, opinions, thoughts, ideas, and interests. This might involve:
Discussing financial goals
Sharing views about a news story
Reading the same book so you can talk about it later
Experiential Intimacy: Spending time together and experiencing common interests. This type of intimacy might occur through a mutual love of sports, hiking, comic books, or board games. Bonds can also strengthen when a pair tries something new together, such as:
Taking a cooking class together
Explore nature together
Go on a trip or to a live music event
Trying a new activity, like ice skating
Sunday brunch
Spiritual intimacy: Spiritual intimacy allows people to explore their inner beliefs, values, or philosophical views. It has many variations, such as:
A common religion
A belief that a higher power exists
Similar values and ethics Â
Talking about the purpose of life
Praying together
Source: Very Well Health
There are many methods to building intimacy within your relationships. But first, it helps to understand how you give and receive love, as well as how you perceive and act within relationships. Do you enjoy holding hands? Can you enjoy time spent by yourself? Are you able to trust and depend on someone else? These questions might be important to answer to determine your compatibility with others.
Source: Author, speaker, podcast host, and former lawyer Mel Robbins
Attachment Styles
Our attachment styles can impact our interpersonal relationships in unique ways. The bonds we form with primary caregivers in early childhood influence many of our subsequent social interactions. These early bonds create the template for how we build and navigate future social and intimate relationships as adults. According to British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, 4 attachment styles were identified:
Anxious (also referred to as Preoccupied)
Fear of abandonment, desire for security, can become clingy and/or demanding, desperate for reassurance, values relationships highly, anxious and worried partner isn’t as invested
Avoidant (also referred to as Dismissive)
High sense of independence, avoids intimacy or emotional closeness, believes they don’t need a relationship to feel complete, suppresses feelings, doesn’t want to depend on others or be depended on
Disorganized (also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant)
Confusing and ambiguous behaviors, partner/relationship is the source of desire and fear, wants intimacy but has trouble trusting and depending on others, struggles to identify and regulate emotions
Comfortable expressing emotions openly, can depend on their partner and allow the partner to rely on them, doesn’t fear being on their own, relationships based on honesty, tolerance, and emotional closeness
Source: The Attachment Project
I originally thought I was anxious, but on second thought Disorganized might fit me best. Where do you think you fall on the list? As we continue to grow and learn, our attachment styles can change as our perspectives are molded by our interactions. You might fit one profile or multiple, even between different relationships.
Love Languages
It’s important to remember that how your partner, friend, or family member receives love, praise, and affection, might not be the same way you naturally want to express it. It’s okay to adjust how someone treats you, the same way you might have to adjust your treatment of those you love.
In terms of showing and receiving love, I’m an acts of service and quality time girlie! Physical touch might be #3 just because I consider cuddling an act of healing, and napping dates? Always accepted. I’ll never turn down a gift, but I enjoy giving them more, especially sentimental ones or something that shows attention to detail (the same type of gifts I enjoy receiving). Compliments and reassuring words feel nice but I always look for action behind them as well. What do you think your love languages are?
Knowing some of the languages of love is important to understanding how it’s exchanged, not just through romance but also between family members, friends, coworkers, and strangers. As social creatures, our daily interactions shape the foundation of our lives. Love is the driving force that makes our world go round.